Planning Your Jewish Wedding
Seven simple steps
By Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer
Mazel Tov! If you or someone close to you is planning a
Jewish wedding, you are in the midst of an exciting--and at times
stress-inducing--experience. Besides the many wedding details that all couples
need to plan, Jewish brides and grooms have several other important factors
connected to their ceremony to consider. Whether you are Jewishly knowledgeable or relatively new to
Judaism, you may want to review the following list before you make your plans
to create a meaningful Jewish wedding:
1. Choosing a Date
Traditionally, Jewish weddings are prohibited on Shabbat and
festivals--including Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Passover, Shavuot, and
Sukkot--and the fast days Tisha B'Av, the 10th of Tevet, the 17th of Tammuz,
the Fast of Gedaliah, and the Fast of Esther. Traditionally, Jewish weddings
are not held during the counting of the omer between Passover and
Shavuot, although customs differ as to whether that entire seven-week stretch
or just part of it is a problem. Marrying during the three weeks between the
17th of Tammuz and Tisha B'Av is also prohibited in traditional Jewish
practice. Because many of these dates fall during prime wedding season
(spring-summer), it's important to check an accurate Jewish calendar (such as www.hebcal.com) before you select a date.
Jewish tradition also points out certain dates that are said
to be auspicious for weddings. Rosh Hodesh, for example, the monthly
celebration of the new moon, is supposed to bring good luck to couples. Tu
B'Av, a minor holiday that falls during the summer months, is connected to
fertility and passion. There are no wedding prohibitions connected to Hanukkah,
which has become a popular time to marry.
And although Shabbat weddings are out, many couples choose
to wed on Saturday at sundown, so that they can begin their ceremony with havdalah,
marking both the end of Shabbat and the end of the time that came before their
public commitment to one another. Some couples choose to wed on Tuesdays,
believing it to be an especially blessed day, since in the Biblical story of
creation, the phrase "God saw that it was good" appears twice on the
third day.
2. Selecting a Rabbi
For some couples, this step is an easy one. They may be
active members of a congregation or have a childhood or Hillel rabbi that they
are still close to. But for many engaged couples who are not affiliated with a
Jewish community in a formal way, finding a rabbi to lead their wedding
ceremony is a daunting task. Parents may suggest using the rabbi from their
congregation, whether or not the couple knows them.
First off, it's important to know that a rabbi is not the
only person who can lead a Jewish wedding. A cantor can officiate, as can
another educated professional serving the Jewish community. However, to meet
most states' requirements, the officiant does need to be a recognized member of
the clergy; be sure to ask this question of any clergy you speak with.
You may want to begin the search for your rabbi by visiting
local congregations and observing how different rabbis lead services. You can
also contact rabbinical schools to connect with a student rabbi, whose work
will be supervised by an experienced faculty member. Students are eager to gain
experience and may even give you more time than a busy congregational rabbi
could. (See Academic
Institutions.)
Rabbis' schedules fill up quickly, so if you have a
particular rabbi in mind, be sure to clear the date with him or her as soon as
possible. Interfaith couples who encounter difficulties finding a rabbi can
contact organizations such as the Jewish Outreach Institute (www.joi.org) or the Rabbinic Center for Research
and Counseling (www.rcrconline.org),
which work with interfaith couples and can help them to find a rabbi.
When you meet with rabbis you are considering, be sure to
ask them their philosophy about leading weddings, if they are open to adapting
rituals, and what kind of ketubah [marriage contract] text they prefer
that couples use. You want to make sure that you are on the same page about
major issues from the start.
3. Planning the Ceremony
Even couples who grew up in a Jewish home with years of
Jewish education may find themselves surprised when it comes to examining
traditional Jewish wedding rituals. For example, in a traditional ceremony,
only the groom gives the bride a ring, an act which is thought to symbolize kinyan (acquisition).
Many contemporary egalitarian couples find this ritual to be
not in keeping with their values and choose to do a double-ring ceremony; some
Orthodox rabbis will allow a modified form of this. While working with a rabbi
can help you learn about the wedding rituals, you will probably get more out of
the experience by doing a bit of research, so you can bring ideas to your
meetings with the rabbi. (See Recommended
Reading.)
4. Choosing a Ketubah
Just as our government issues a marriage license, Jewish law
has historically used a ketubah to sanction a marriage. Ketubah means
"writing" or "written" and refers to the document that is
signed by witnesses before and often read during a Jewish wedding.
Traditionally, a ketubah served as a kind of premarital contract, outlining a
bride's ongoing rights: food, clothing, and even sex should be provided during
the course of the marriage. The ketubah also specified her rights in the case
of her husband's death or their divorce.
Many contemporary couples choose to veer away from the
traditional ketubah text and its implications and instead choose a text that
expresses their hopes and commitments for their marriage. Some couples write
their own text, while others search for a text that speaks to their vision.
Historically, the ketubah is not only a legal document, but
also an artistic one. Ketubot [plural of ketubah] have long been--and
continue to be--an expression of Jewish creativity. So couples not only have
decisions to make about the text, but also the kind of art they want for their
ketubah. Some couples shop together for a lithograph; others hire an artist to
create an original design.
Couples should also think about who they want to invite to
sign their ketubah. Traditionally, a witness must be a religiously observant
Jewish male, unrelated to the bride or groom. Reform and Reconstructionist and
some Conservative rabbis accept women as witnesses, though most still prefer
that the witness be Jewish.
5. Selecting a Huppah
The huppah is the
canopy that covers the bride and groom during the wedding ceremony, creating a
sacred space that is both open for all to see and private and intimate for the
couple beneath it. It symbolizes their new home together, and is said to be
open as was the tent of Abraham and Sarah, who were always ready to receive
visitors.
In planning your wedding, think about what kind of huppah
would be special for you. Some are covered in flowers, others are made of
fabric squares that friends and family decorate for the couple. The huppah is
attached to four poles, which can be free-standing or held by four people. It
is considered a great honor to hold a huppah pole, so this job should be given
to people very close to the bride or groom.
6. Including Ritual Objects
Jewish weddings call for some objects that, with a little
thought, can be enhanced to create special meaning for your wedding. For
example, at most Jewish weddings kippot (yarmulkes) are provided
for guests. Many couples have them imprinted with their name and wedding date;
others knit original kippot or paint or decorate satin or felt ones to match
wedding decor. Couples also need a kiddush cup for under the huppah, and
some couples are creating a new tradition by using one heirloom cup from each
family. And no Jewish wedding is complete without the glass for breaking at the
end of the ceremony. Today's couples are sometimes saving the pieces of their
broken glass to be transformed into a new piece of Judaica, such as a mezuzah
or candlesticks.
7. Making Pre-wedding Choices
One of the greatest things about Jewish weddings is that the
celebration is spread out over time, giving you maximum time to honor bride and
groom. The celebration may begin with an aufruf,
when bride and groom (in traditional circles, only groom) are called to the
Torah for an aliyah. They receive a mi shebeirakh blessing, which invokes
God’s blessing for the bride and groom, and then they are showered with candy,
a symbol of sweetness to come in their life together. Many couples host a kiddush lunch following services. This
can be an ideal time to include the entire community in your wedding joy.
You and your partner should also discuss whether you want to
include various traditional pre-wedding rituals such as going to the mikvah (ritual bath), separating from
one another during the week before your wedding, and fasting on your wedding
day. These rituals can help the couple prepare spiritually for the seriousness
of the day to come. While a Jewish wedding is full of joy, it is also like a
personal Yom Kippur for the bride and groom, who want to enter their marriage
with a pure heart. Many couples choose to follow an altered version of some of
these traditions, such as eating something light before the ceremony to protect
against fainting.
You and your partner should give yourselves ample time to
talk through each of these seven steps, and to use the process of planning your
wedding as an opportunity to learn more about Jewish tradition and the way each
of you envisions your life together once you step out from under the huppah,
hand in hand.
Writer/Educator Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer is the author of The
Creative Jewish Wedding Book and the host of www.creativejewishwedding.com.
